If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
