Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
