and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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