Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
