So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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