Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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