I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
