Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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