I love black thongs
from now on my penis is your penis
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
