"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
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