my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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