i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I have post one night stand depression
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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