Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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