Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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