this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
