Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
