guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize