It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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