i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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