2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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