so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
