if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
