I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend