Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
