He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
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my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
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Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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