I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
