I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
