It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
