He uses pillows to masturbate.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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