Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
