i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
how drunk are you?
Several
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
