I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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