Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
