you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
