i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
