Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
