I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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