I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
