wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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