okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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