Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
false alarm, still single
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
