i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
