I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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