I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
