mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
