I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
