how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Never underestimate the power of titties
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
