i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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