oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
