I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
