how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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