OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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