I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
