Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
