my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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