If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
