I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
