woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
