My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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