just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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